Friday, October 31, 2008

Dearest Daddy

Dearest Daddy,

You may not get this in time I know you'll look after me, bro & sis

You were a great daddy to us although sometimes you may not show,
And I am sorry I didn’t show it too

That I love you with all my heart.

You were there for me, you were my knight in shining armor

Although I did not agree with some of the things you did, I love you deeply.

And I'm so sorry for some of things I did.

You caused my mummy pain, I used to hate & blamed it all on you.

I took for granted how much your presence meant to the family.

Now I will never be able to show you.

We may be millions of miles away

But we will always have each other.

Tears come at night for the loss of my dearest Daddy,

My one and only Daddy, who was there for me,

I know up in Heaven, you will be safe & happy,

No more worries from down below,

So please accept my thousands apologies,

I am so sorry daddy,

I did not show my love and I missed you so dearly,

So please God,

take this note and give it to my Daddy,

And tell him......I love you daddy....forever in this life & ever for eternity...

Love, Your daughter

Memories of dad

I feel a warmth around me like your presence is so near,

And i close my eyes to visualize your face when you were here,

I endure the times we spent together and they are locked inside my heart,

For as long as i have those memories we will never be apart,

Even though we cannot speak no more my voice is always there,

Because every night before i sleep i have you in my prayer.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The calling of Green Tara

The Symbolism of Green Tara
Green Tara is seated upon a lotus arising from
the waters of a lake, just as Tara is said to have arisen from the compassionate
tears of Avalokiteshvara.

Her right hand is in the mudra of supreme generosity
indicating her ability to provide beings with whatever they desire.

Her left hand at her heart is in the mudra of bestowing refuge: her thumb and ring finger are pressed together to symbolise the united practice of method and wisdom, and the three remaining fingers are raised to symbolise the Three Jewels of Refuge -
Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.

In each hand she holds the stem of a blue utpala flower. Each flower consists of three blossoms indicating that Tara, the embodiment of enlightened activities, is the Mother of the Buddhas of the past, present and future. Tara is dressed in the silken robes of royalty. She wears rainbow colored stockings, a white half-blouse and various jeweled ornaments. These symbolise her mastery of the perfections of generosity, morality and so forth. The tiara fastened in her black hair is adorned with jewels, the central one is a red ruby symbolic of Amitabha, her spiritual father and the head of her Buddha family. She is seated in a distinctive posture, her left leg withdrawn to symbolise her renunciation of worldly passion and her right leg extended to show that she is always ready to arise and come to the aid of those who need her help. With a warm compassionate gaze she looks down upon each sentient being as a mother regards her only child. Her emerald-green color -- related to the wind element and hence to movement -- signifies her ability to act swiftly and without delay to bring benefits to sentient beings.
From the teachings of Ven Lama Thubten Yeshe:

Tara is known as the "Mother of all Buddhas." This is because she is the wisdom of reality, and all Buddhas and bodhisattvas are born from this wisdom. This wisdom is also the fundamental cause of happiness, and our own spiritual growth comes from this wisdom. That is why Tara is called the Mother. And Mother Tara has much wisdom to manifest many aspects, sometimes peaceful, sometimes wrathful, in different colours -- all to help sentient beings.
OM represents Tara's holy body, speech and mind.
TARE means liberating from true suffering, the sufferings of samsara, our aggregates being under the control of delusion and karma.
TUTTARE means liberating from the 8 fears, the external dangers, but mainly from the internal dangers, the delusions, and also karma.
TURE means liberating from the ignorance of the absolute nature of the I; it shows the true cessation of suffering.
SOHA means "may the meaning of the mantra take root in my mind."
Recite as many mantras as you wish. At the end, pray to Tara to help you develop bodhicitta -- your practice of ethics, and your development of bodhicitta are what please Tara the most. This is the best offering you can make to Tara, and will bring you closer to her. Then, Tara dissolves into light, which dissolves through your forehead (or crown) and into your heart. Feel "My body, speech and mind are now blessed to become Tara's body, speech and mind." Then dedicate the merit that you will become Enlightened -- like Tara -- in order to be able to help all sentient beings.

Have you ever had your prayers answered in your lifetime?
I had mine today.....

It is the most strangest incident. Two days ago I started chanting on a new Mantra which is the Green Tara Mantra "OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA" and after meditating with the mantra for a mere few minutes, bright lights appear and I felt a the holy presence of the mantra. Believe it or not, tears were flowing freely down my cheek. I was not weeping neither were there any sad dramas in my mind that causes the tears. It was just a fulfilling feel that causes tears to form naturally in my eyes. My mom were there to witnessed the scene.

For days I was trying to understand what had happened but there were no answers. I even tried to search for some answers on the Internet. Maybe I wasn't sure what I was searching for.

More strange indicidents happened after which leads to me to a lunch with the honorable Tibetan Ven Ashak Thutob Tulku Rinpoche and finally I found some answers. It was only fate that brought me to meet -up with the Holy Rinpoche as he was supposed to be in Singapore but forced to stayed back for some unforeseen circumstances.

He told me it was my affinity with Tara that had brought me to him and it was also my affinity with Tara that causes the tears. As Tara is from the tears of Buddha; tears of compassion; and it very rare that people have that kind of compassion. He even did a transfer of the mantra to me and my family and advices me to continue in search of enlightement with the Tara Mantra. Soon, he mentioned, I will certainly find some answers within. I am still not sure what he meant but I will certainly proceed with what he adviced me to do.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Random thoughts

The place where only meditation will be able to give you a glimpse of how
it feels like to be there.........

Days are creeping by so slowly when there is nothing much to do but just laze around and practically do nothing at all. That is what I have been doing for the past 4 days and I have six more days to do nothing but enjoy the luxury of what most rich tai-tais does everyday.......

Seriously, for an active person who is always on the go and who's schedule is always so packed with activities, I'm suffering from having nothing to do! How sad is that?? Haha! Well, I'm going to be positive for once as I've gotten a comment that my blog always seems to be so depressing!

Alright, change of blogging tactics for once!

..............I'm excited for the next six days of having nothing to do! At least I will be able to catch up with my readings, which I've been neglecting for so many months. There are so many books that I have bought in the past few months that I haven't had the time to go through. This is also the time for me to refresh my mind as I haven't been able to think clearly since the shocking news on the 4th of October. A day which I will remember for the rest of my life. Although it still seem a little unreal, but the truth of his death has been accepted. Sometimes it's seems unreal, especially when I look at his photos, seeing his stuffs around the house, thinking of what he told me when he was still alive.....

There are of course good and bad memories, but I rather his good memories remain and the bad will be buried together with his physical body and remain unknown forever. In a way, we will definitely missed his presence at home but at a more positive perspective, he is now not suffering from sickness & pain. Although there is no way to find out where is he now and how is he doing now, but I can only hope he is happy wherever he is now.

I do count my lucky stars and blessings to have many good friends who were there for me and still are here for me. Of course, there is nothing anyone can do about the situation. Death is something anyone will go through somewhere in their life journey and if we live our life meaningfully and with no regrets, death is just part of the journey. The journey that will bring us to another life where there will be no sufferings and unhappiness. A place where life goes on in a way that no human will be able to imagine. A place where we will only be able to reach if we do more good deeds in our existing life, to give more love & help to the unfortunate and to help more people understand the concept of living life after death in a place where there is no sufferings, no sickness, no pain, no unhappiness, no more reborn, no more karmic effects......

It is not something that people will immediately understand. It took me quite awhile to grab the concept and understand it. But accepting and believing it actually does calmed me and made me feel so much at peace.

Oh well, I will continue with my readings now and hopefully will finish reading the books a good friend loan me to kill my extra time while he negotiate with some ducks in peking^_^

Monday, October 20, 2008

Life will never be the same again

Life was not the same ever since dad passed away and I believe it will never be the same. I am still reluctant to believe that he's gone and we will never see him again in this life. His passing is just too sudden and unexpected.

I did a lot of soul searching for the past one week and there are so much in life that we want; material stuffs. I stress yet again; all these material stuffs are so unimportant when we leave this world and bring not the material stuffs with us but our soul & memories. We also leave memories behind that loved ones will cherish and treasure. Going through my dad's stuffs, it's his memories that brought tears to my eyes. The longing to hear his voice & listen to his words of wisdom, to see his smile & hear his laughter, to feel his care & love for his family. All these memories are fondly engraved in my heart forever.

I remember when he used to smoke his cigars in the kitchen, I would run away because I hated the smell of his cigars. Yet, I long to have a sniff of that scent now. He used to tell me & my bro that we must appreciate what we have in life and not regret only when we lose them. It somehow hurts me to think I might not have showed much appreciation when he was around. I've not been the perfect daughter to him and took great care of him when he was around. All these doesn't matter now as he is not around anymore.

Life is so fragile. Nothing can be done to turn back time. Nothing can be done when a person is dead. Nothing can be done to bring that person back from death. Then why must we live life everyday in anger....frustration....hurt....sadness.....jealousy..... stressed!! Aren't we supposed to live life everyday as if it's our last day on earth and do things that we know will bring goodness to the people around us and that we enjoy doing instead?? To appreciate each breath we intake and the sunrise.... to laugh and spread love to everyone.... to see good in everyone and help those in need & the unfortunate..... to surround ourselves with happiness and joy every single day.....

Or only regret not doing the above when we leave this world suddenly and no way to come back and live the life that we intend to?

I'm sure there must be life after death. Different beliefs have different theories of life after death. Nobody knows except for those who already went there and living the life of the after-death. Being a strong believer of the teachings of Buddha myself, I believe my dad is now with the buddhas in the Pure Land, practicing the teachings of buddhas and waiting for us to join him in the Pure Land of Buddhas. I do hope that I will meet dad again in the Pure Land someday.
Dad, I love you and I will always remember all that you've taught me. You've been the inspiration to me and a great mentor for my development as a Trainer. If it was not for your guidance and inspiration, I would not have taken the brave steps into becoming who I am today. This will be the greatest gift from you that I will cherish forever. May your soul rest in peace and I will pray for your well-being in your life after death. I'm sure you will always be protecting and looking after us from wherever you are now. I will certainly miss you forever. Please tell yeh-yeh & ma-ma that I misses them as well. I will take over your responsibility to take care of mom and brother. I love you, dad. Very much indeed. Goodbye.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

My dad left us....FOREVER!

I'm in total shocked and still reluctant to accept the truth. My daddy has passed away. Suddenly...

Last night he was still awake when I went to the kitchen for a drink. He was at his usual spot watching tv although it was already 6am. The next morning he woke up around 2pm and wanted to go out with my mom to buy lunch but mom as usual didn't want him to follow because he's health is not in good condition. So she went to buy us lunch and I was busy packing in my room for my 1 week work trip to Penang. It was so normal. Everything was so normal.

Had lunch with him at our dining area and was even having a decent conversation with him. I left the house around 6pm to go for a massage and came home at 8pm. But no one was home already. Mom & bro went to my grandma's house and he was not home as well. I was quite surprise to see he was not at home because he hardly go out so late. Normally he would only go out in the afternoon.

I was home until almost 11pm and then went out to meet some friends at Velvet, before I even reached Velvet my bro rang me and told me someone told him dad was dead. I thought it was a prank! I calmly told bro to stay calm and take care of mom. I was so calm. I was saying in my can it be?... he was still ok in the afternoon....I was only talking to him....Someone must have played a prank on us....

I still hope its all a dream. I can't believe it. It's so impossible to believe what had happened.

I need to stay strong for mom. I've never seen her cried like this before. She blamed herself for his passing, saying if she stayed at home then he would not have gone out and this would not have happened.......

I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I know I NEED TO STAY STRONG for mom. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND NEVER LET HER FEEL ALONE AND START BLAMING THINGS ON HERSELF. Its no one's fault. It's his life path. I just hope he's in a better place now and not suffer anymore.