Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Thoughts of life

The days are getting closer and closer; however I am not feeling the excitement and eagerness that I've felt 30 days back. Perhaps I have gotten used to the feeling and thus I don't feel it as powerful as it was before. Perhaps I have gotten used to being alone. Perhaps I am expecting some major changes that will happen in the near future?

Recently, I am thinking a lot again and most thoughts are repetition, almost like a vicious cycle that leads to one another. One question occur most frequently is "Why am I here?". The 'here' refers to the earth.

I was reading a book by my favourite author "Paulo Coelho" and the following paragraphs caught my attention:

.... He died while he was still alive. That might seem a contradiction in terms; but I know a lot of people who have stopped living, even though they continue working and eating and carrying on with their usual social activities. They do everything on automatic pilot, unaware of the magic moment that each day brings with it, never stopping to think about the miracle of life, not understanding that the next minute could be their last on the face of this planet.

.... I know it's not a topic anyone likes to think about, but I have duty to my readers - to make them think about the most important things in life. And death is possibly 'the' most important thing. We are all walking towards death, but we never know when death will touch us and it is our duty, therefore, to look around us, to be grateful for each minute. But we must also be grateful to death, because it makes us think about the importance of each decision we take, or fail to take; it makes us stop doing anything that keeps us stuck in the category of the 'living dead' and, instead, urges us to risk everything, to bet everything on those things we always dreamed of doing, because, whether we like it or not, the angel of death is waiting for us.

It is true that death forced me to look at life in a different manner. Ever since my dad's sudden death, I have become a different person, someone who appreciates the flow of life rather than pride, honors, being rich & famous. I have slowed down my aggressive behavior and obsession towards my work. I'm grateful for everything and every person that appears in my life and made a difference. I used to be an extremely independent woman who doesn't need or care about anyone in life but a successful career, having a lot of money and yearns for absolute freedom to travel extensively and having FUN!

Now, my life has taken a different route and I believe that every moment and everything happens for a reason.

In life, I have also learned that we must never take anything for granted. Especially people we care for. Love must be nurtured and cherished. Being reckless or abandoning it for just a few seconds might break the fragile bond forever. Some people might assume that if the bond is strong, it will never be broken. Here is why many hearts are broken, arguments explode at home and marriage vows destroyed. The bond of love is not given or happens in a few seconds but needs tender loving care to develop that special feeling in the heart. Over time, the feeling will grow stronger and wider. Imagine planting a seed in the ground and everyday, without fail, the seed needs water & fertilizer to grow. It will then bloom and grow stronger and taller each day. Then one day, little buds will form on the tree branches. Buds that will bear fruits or beautiful flowers. Even then, the tree still need to be cared for to continue being strong and to continue blooming.

Will the tree die of old age or lack of TLC? The fate of the tree is totally up to the care taker.

Right now, I am struggling to move away from the very attachment that is stopping my progress and halting my journey to achieving my passion in life. I am exhausted from all the excuses that have been given by me to justify my attachments. The courage that I have been seeking for must come into existence in order for me to move on...

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