Reflections of 2008

Only one more day and the year 2008 will be another year added to the history basket. Reflecting on what has gone through the year, I have to say year 2008 is a year where I have changed the most; my thoughts, my beliefs, my perspectives, my life……

When you change your thinking; you change your beliefs
When you change your beliefs; you change your expectations
When you change your expectations; you change your attitude
When you change your attitude; you change your behavior
When you change your behavior; you change your performance
When you change your performance; you change your life!

Beginning of the year was the start of a promising career with a leading skincare brand; it was also the end of a distressed long-term relationship.

“Change is the most common phenomena in the Universe”

This is also the year where I was crowned “workaholic” and sacrifices most of my time for work. Starting a new job is already not an easy task, but a new job in a dynamic corporation is even more stressful. I had to catch-up high expectations of work and skills starting from scratch with just minimal guidance. My determination was what motivated me to not give-up until I succeed. I am proud to say that I am a better Trainer today than I was a year ago.

Although I sacrifices a lot of family time, leisure and personal interest, but I would not be who I am today without committing myself to improvements and taking the initial steps to plan my development. No doubt it was a painful process, but sacrifice is a part of life. It is not something to regret; it is something to aspire. It is not about lost but something to gain from the sacrifices.

This is also a year where I learn what is;
Gratitude
Appreciation

In the world where all is blinded by the chase of material stuffs to luxury properties, lost were the sense of appreciation of what they have or owned.

Appreciation and gratitude to the people we love and care is most important. I have to go through an extremely heartbroken period where I lost my father to truly understand the meaning of appreciation and not to take anyone for granted. I certainly do not want to go through another chapter in my life ever again feeling regrettable and remorse for not being a filial daughter, a loving person to all I love and cared.

Friendships are also greatly treasured in my life. I love meeting new people and by nature I am an easy-going person who gets along pretty well with most people. But it is those few selected friends that made my life so wonderful and happy; friends that were always there when I needed them to share my tears and laughter. The saying “friends come and go” doesn’t apply to this friends of mine. They will always be in my heart. Forever. This year, my friendships were bonded and made even more special by just a simply touch of appreciation.

“Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know”

Well, I see myself as a much better and cheerful person; personality wise. I have learnt to appreciate people in my life, to have more compassion to the less fortunate, to see the world from a much more simplicity aspects rather than to complicate matters and make life more difficult and unhappy. I have also been practicing the art of meditation and the benefits from it are so great that I absolutely encourage the practice to gain spiritual awareness and self-realization. I am definitely a calmer person now comparing to last year.

Learning from the past is certainly an essential step to self-improvements; but dwelling over the past will definitely not benefit anyone. So, enough of reflections as I am going to start thinking of my new year’s resolution and find a passion within myself to move on in life.

What is my passion?
Now, that is a question worth pondering.

Merry Christmas!

Today is one of those happiest moments shared with people I cared and loved in my life. Every cell in my body is asleep and yet some part of me still wants to stay awake to blog this special day to keep the memory forever.

I know I’ve mentioned this a zillion times, yet it is still amazing that I am blessed with such beautiful friendships in my life. I could never ask for anything more. It all started almost seven years ago in a small skincare centre in Metrojaya Midvalley where we met and started our friendship in a rocky manner.

Gabrielle Tham:
The girl who were born just two days after me! Who shared the same uniqueness in character and a girl who is always a loving & caring friend to have around. She is FUN, hardworking, humble, a great companion for a cuppa coffee anytime! And a supporter to us all in any sort of situation! Without her, life will be like stall water!

Geraldine Yap:
Gentle yet strong minded, feminine yet sometimes she portray a certain toughness that surprise us all, Sometimes she could act like the lovely mummy to everyone, loves food, loves to eat, loves pork…….I used to control her eating habit to force her to lose the extra weight! That was when I wanted to introduce her to my handsome uncle, although their friendship didn’t move up another level but her weight did move down a few! But, she will always be the true supporter and sincerely make the effort to lend a helping hand. She was always the first one to tell me not to go back to my ex-boyfriend and threatens to call me a LOSER for life, if I go back to him. Haha! She is a true gem indeed..

Ming Yen Ong:
Cool exterior, warm at heart. HAHA! That about sums all! She’s the best character and of course a great friend to have around. Although she always looks and acts as if she is so steady and cool, deep down this woman is truly….a WOMAN!! She needs TLC all the time! Only true friends would know that :P She is certainly a independent woman, very opinionated, extremely reliable, and not to mention, a woman with a strong backbone.... yum! very desirable indeed! But as a friend; she is caring and understanding and I love her for that. Somehow, we always get the comment that our features are very similar... Maybe we were long lost sisters!

Bibi Choo:
Although we were never been a close friend but knowing Bibi Choo, she is never a harmful character and she will always be the Bibi Choo that we’ve known since Estee days. Nowadays, having a little princess certainly made her even more feminine than ever!

Charise Ho:
My dear meow……
This woman, she is like a gift from an angel. We were not colleagues in Estee Lauder. We met when I somehow got her an interview in Luxasia. We lunched a few times. Chat a bit here and there. Then somehow, she became the most special person in my life. There were so much that she is able to see for me that I am unable to see for myself. This woman is just so unbelievable. Although at times I understand that she needs time with her hubby and family; I try not to burden her too much with my troubles. But I know, if I need her… she will definitely be there for me. She was there
for me……at one of my lowest point in my life. She is certainly an angel in
my heart and I love her very much indeed!

There you go, the girls; plus their man!

Gabrielle with VJ

Geraldine with Jimmy

Ming Yen with her current beau; Mr. Aaron Wong Lap from the States

Charise with Mike

Bibi with Shaun

All gathered at my place tonight to celebrate Christmas; potluck style.

Plus a few more other great friends who made the celebration even more joyful!

Tasha, Calyn, Edmond, Joanne, BJ, Nic

**smile**My life is truly blessed with wonderful people.....

Appreciate Every Moment

In a blink of an eye, days have whizzed by since the day my father passed away. This year was the first Chinese New Year celebration without him. It hurts to think that every year from this year on, I will be celebrating it without him; without his blessings, without his fussy instructions, without his bright smile. The celebration will never be the same again.

I thought about him during the New Year period, wondering where is he now? What is he experiencing? Is he still around the house with us? To say I do not miss him would be the biggest lie.

My dad was a respectable man and an inspirational and outstanding motivational speaker. If not for his guidance and his eye for perfection, I would not be who I am today. I remember the time when I needed to deliver an important speech to a hall of 200 people; he guided me on all the most important aspects of delivering a speech effectively.

He would make me face the mirror and allow me to observe my body language. He made me understand the importance of the tone of my voice and made me repeat my speech over and over again. His training was a major boost of confidence for me.

One sunny afternoon a few weeks back, I was included in a family swimming outing and got to observe two adorable girls swimming with their loving uncle. It brought me back to the days when my dad would bring my brother and I for a short holiday to the beach and our favourite activity would always be swimming. Dad would show us the correct ways to swim and he even bought us water guns! Those certainly are treasured memories.

I remember that two months before he passed away, my father wanted to take us to Penang for a short holiday and even booked the hotel for a three nights’ stay. That trip was cancelled because I had to work and my mother wasn’t keen to travel so far. Now I truly regret not having insisted on going. How could I have let my work stop me from spending precious time with my family?

It is still a little shocking to my soul to have to accept the fact that he is gone forever. My last words to him were ‘‘good-bye’’ when I left home to go for an hour of massage at a spa nearby. That night, my mother received the shocking news of his death from a policeman. He had died of a heart attack at a coffee-shop just a few kilometres from home. There wasn’t any sign that he was going to go away forever.

I had always imagined him giving me away on my wedding and being the most “happening’’ dad around my friends with his pleasant personality and charming smile. And someday, laughing and smiling from ear to ear while playing with my children. All these dreams have just been blown away.

Losing my dad certainly made me realise that life is both precious and fragile. At anytime the person you care about the most might be taken away from you forever and you will not be able to do anything about it.
I know I have to appear strong and not lose myself in my emotions. I know I am able to hide them, but that doesn’t mean I am dealing with them. In actual fact, I have to admit that I am not. I am just hoping that they won’t turn into a time-bomb that explodes in the future!

I swear to myself that I will not take my family and everyone I care for granted. Every moment with them will be cherished and kept in my heart for nothing is more precious than happy moments and laughter shared together.

This blog was published in The Sunday Star Newspaper 22nd February 2009:http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2009/2/22/lifefocus/3309843&sec=lifefocus

Party Weekend

Ageing is not just numbers (as in AGE) but how much your body is able to tolerate too much late nights and lesser and much lesser sleep.

Last night was such a FUN night for my girls and me. I've managed to organize a night out with my dearest girls to celebrate the birthday of Ming Yen and Geraldine. Although there were some hiccups initially but it was certainly a memorable night to last until the next gathering. I am truly blessed to have such beautiful friendships with these four angels; who have been there to hold my hands through bad times and were there to share the joy of the good. I am thankful for such a blessing gift that I couldn't ask for anything more; not even a Christmas gift personally delivered by Santa Clause himself on the eve of Christmas! My silly childhood fantasy! Haha!

But this is not the subject that I have in mind......

MEN.

Sigh. My mind is so cloudy when it comes to this subject. This shows just how clueless and useless I am when it comes to men.

Sometimes I truly understand why some men commented on my ill-mannerism as I tend to ignore them when they come-on to me too strongly. In situations; where I am not interested to further the relationship into something more than just an innocent friendship. Take for example a guy who was very frank of what he wanted from me. An offer of a one night with no attachment fling; which I will never lower my little self-esteem to accept that offer. That is when I am categorized in the ill-mannerism groupie. He just kept on harassing me in the hope that I will give-in someday and then self-invite to join me and my girls last night at our party. Allow me to let out a huge SIGH again!

There are also in some cases where I am interested in the guy, but am as clueless yet again as how to express my interest in him.

Do I tell him directly? Do I make a brave move; kiss or look at him with a sexy smile? Haha! I will certainly look like a whore with no business and trying her very best not to go home alone! Pathetic! But in the end...I did nothing!

Will softer approach work better? But come to think of it, I don't really know what approach is the best because I am totally clueless. I am really curious what is going on in the mind of MEN.

What I understand from my friends is that the harder the girl tried, the colder the guy acts towards her. On the other hand, the more the guys are being rejected; the harder they work to get the girls' attention. I am utterly confused. Are they playing some kinda game here?

People see me as a “Party Girl”, meaning a girl who enjoys showing off and having FUN every weekend at clubs just so she could grab any guy she wanted; most probably a different one every weekend.

If that is the image that I am portraying by going dancing on weekends; then no wonder I am attracting guys who only wants a one night affair with me. The best one I have experienced was a guy who told me all he wanted to hear from me are dirty jokes and wanted to take me to a cheap hotel on our first date. I should have given that guy a slap he will remember for life, but I am too well-mannered to choose that option and just opt to sternly saying NO and hope he doesn’t rape me. I certainly don’t want to lose faith in the hope of finding my Prince someday; somehow all these bad experiences with men truly made me think that my Prince is unreachable. The number of gnomes outnumbered the Princes in this world!

I don’t need lots of Princes; just someone with intelligence and humble; someone I respected and cared because he respect and care for me as well; someone who loves his family and takes care of them; someone who treats me well and make me feel like a Princess, someone who'll drown me with sweetness, someone whom I am comfortable with and someone who is always on my mind 24/7…..

Does this mean I have to give up weekend dancing at clubs?

To look for other options to spend my weekends than to party til the wee hours and not getting any sleep the next day?

Yes, the answer to the above is YES.

I have found the solution to remove the “Party Girl” title from my collection; but have yet to find the solution to express my feelings to that someone I cared.

**Wishing to free myself from the evil-minded gnomes**

by Joselyn Lee

Wherever you are; Be There

One of the major reasons why we fail to find happiness or to create unique lifestyle is because we have not yet mastered the art of being.
While we are home our thoughts are still absorbed with solving the challenges we face at the office. And when we are at the office we find ourselves worrying about problems at home.
We go through the day without really listening to what others are saying to us. We may be hearing the words, but we aren't absorbing the message.
As we go through the day we find ourselves focusing on past experiences or future possibilities. We are so involved in yesterday and tomorrow that we never even notice that today is slipping by.
We go through the day rather than getting something from the day. We are everywhere at any given moment in time except living in that moment in time.

Lifestyle is learning to be wherever you are.
It is developing a unique
focus on the current moment, and drawing from it all of the substance and wealth
of experience and emotions that is has to offer.
Lifestyle is taking time to
watch the sunset.
Lifestyle is listening to silence.
Lifestyle is
capturing each moment so that it becomes a new part of what we are and of what
we are in the process of becoming.
Lifestyle is not something we do; it is
something we experience.
And until we learn to be there, we will never
master the art of living.

My heart weeps for all troubled soul

All of us seek something better in life
That something that
will give us satisfaction;
which leads to happiness in life
Then why is
it then we see sadness and strife?
Obsessions, jealousy, ignorance in all
walks of life

Do you ignore them and walk right on by?
or does
your heart weep as you look them in the eye

What Karma has brought them you
really don't knowa life torn asunder or addiction did grow

Life, certainly ain't easy
My Buddha Heart weeps for all troubled souls

by Joselyn Lee

Just when I thought I may move on in life and put my past (the good ones) as just a memoir of my journey in life, more dramas unfolds itself upon me to disrupt the positiveness of my current mindset. I have accepted the fact, forgiven the soul and protected in respect. But all these, must come in limitation as there is always a limit to how much truth we may be accepted.

The numbness of the discovery is still harassing my inner soul.

How much more 'discovery' and when is it ever going to end?

I sometimes do wonder why all living souls bring upon so much sufferings and pain to themselves; and to the people surrounding them? All such actions just to endure the evil seduction of obsessions and physical satisfaction; which are nothing but impermanent and artificial.

I don't think I can ever look at another human without wondering how much deep-dark-secrets lies in the closet of these individuals, or buried somewhere waiting to be revealed someday; somehow.

Is it so difficult to wish for a simple life? To just want pure love & happiness and share it with someone who appreciates little things in life as well? Are human meant to be born on earth to suffer and rejoice by evil actions & thoughts, as well as blinded by obsessions & jealousies?

All these discoveries has left me feeling very vulnerable and afraid. Afraid of all the unspoken thoughts of all walks of life. Afraid of how human brains has been polluted since the day of birth. Afraid of all the masks that people put on the moment they wake up from sleep everyday. Afraid of all the pretending, acting & lies to appear noble and highly-principled to the world, worthy of everyone's trust and respect.

What has the world become? What will our children; leaders of the future, be?

Education alone is not strong enough to fight the demons from polluting our children's mind. The world needs more compassion to make the future a brighter and better place; for our children and the generations to come.

My Beautiful Sunday

What a beautiful Sunday!

No worries, no work, no work, no work, no work.....and no work!
Haha! Yes yes! It's a non-working Sunday and I brought my grandma for a foot massage to make up for all the delicious vegetarian dishes that she has been preparing for me & bro. She is such a sweet angel to us, although sometimes this sweet angel of mine can be the Nagging Queen of the Century^_^

The only thing that spoiled my beautiful Sunday was the pain on my left ankle. I hope it will go away soon, but that hope was already 5 weeks old and still the pain did not go away. The funny thing is I don't remember spraining or hurting my ankle at all. I just thought it was a minor hurt and it will go away in a few days, not until I started to dance again that I realized it was actually getting worst. Just hope that the ancient chinese medicine practitioner will be able to do his magic on my ankle tomorrow!

Getting back to my beautiful title, which is Beautiful Sunday! I wonder how most people usually spend their beautiful Sunday? I used to spend Sunday working at home and after months of overworked and exhaustion, spent my Sundays nursing Saturday night fever! I am proud to say that today I truly did spend my Sunday rest & relaxing the right way. My beautiful Sunday started off with.......

1. My eight hours of beauty sleep
2. Healthy breakfast of fruits and veges
3. Catching up with my readings, especially the news!
4. Spent some quality time with grandma
5. Much needed and expired Pedicure treatments for my poor little toes
6. Had a drink and a decent conversation with my ex-boyfriend
- We are friends now and for the first time over the past 6 months, we talked like adults!
7. More catching up with my books!

The only thing that is lacking in my agenda is EXERCISE! It's kinda frustrating that I cannot use the treadmill for my jogs anymore as my ankles hurt each time I try to jog. I love running for at least 20 minutes before moving on to other exercises in the gym, which consists of 2 sets of 15 reps on stomach crunches, some yoga poses and full body stretching. Now, I'll probably have to wait for my ankle to heal first!

In the meantime, I will try to continue my Beautiful Sunday rituals and hopefully add more meaningful activities into my Sundays; activities like charity work, yoga, walks, swimming, cooking or baking classes, cathing up with friends & family...etc

Daddy, I love you

The night that you died was the worst night of my life

I've never before felt so much strife
It's exactly a month now counting from that night

I was so confused I didn't know what to do

Because from that point on I had to live without you

I loved you so much even though sometimes we would fight

I loved you so much that it all hit me that night

It happened that night, my worst nightmare came true

For that night was the last night with you

I try not to cry, I try to be strong

But each day is so hard since you've been gone

I think of the memories and the things from the past

Because those are now the only things that are left to last

Every time I go out, when I have things to do

I always find something that reminds me of you

Whether I go out to eat or have things to do

Especially when I past those places where you used to go

I'm always reminded of you

There are so many things that I have yet to do

Things that I wanted to share with you

Like getting married and you giving me away

Or having my children and you watching them grow each day

I miss you so much I don't know what to do

I wish you could come back

If only for a few

There were so many things I feel were left unsaid

Now I love you daddy just lingers in my head

I don't know if you know just how much I loved you

But I loved you more than anything

And I just wish you knew it was true

Its hard for me daddy without you here

Now I find myself daily surrounded by tears

When I go to the cemetery where they laid you to rest

And I just can't believe that there is where you nest

It all happened so quickly

It seemed like a dream

It doesn't feel right

It just feels like a scheme

I know that its real and I'll never forget you

But I just don't know without you what to do

We all loved you; Bro, Sis, Mom, & I

But we all know that this isn't good-bye

Dad, You'll truly be missed by everyone

Whether it be by your family or the friends that you had

You were my guardian angel and I miss you so

But I guess it was time for me to let you go

No, I won't forget

Not even for a day

But I must wake up and realize things will be okay

I know you're still watching

I know you still care

Even though you are not physically here
I'll see you again someday

But until I do, I just want you to know one last things

Daddy, I love and truly miss you

Dearest Daddy

Dearest Daddy,

You may not get this in time I know you'll look after me, bro & sis

You were a great daddy to us although sometimes you may not show,
And I am sorry I didn’t show it too

That I love you with all my heart.

You were there for me, you were my knight in shining armor

Although I did not agree with some of the things you did, I love you deeply.

And I'm so sorry for some of things I did.

You caused my mummy pain, I used to hate & blamed it all on you.

I took for granted how much your presence meant to the family.

Now I will never be able to show you.

We may be millions of miles away

But we will always have each other.

Tears come at night for the loss of my dearest Daddy,

My one and only Daddy, who was there for me,

I know up in Heaven, you will be safe & happy,

No more worries from down below,

So please accept my thousands apologies,

I am so sorry daddy,

I did not show my love and I missed you so dearly,

So please God,

take this note and give it to my Daddy,

And tell him......I love you daddy....forever in this life & ever for eternity...

Love, Your daughter

Memories of dad

I feel a warmth around me like your presence is so near,

And i close my eyes to visualize your face when you were here,

I endure the times we spent together and they are locked inside my heart,

For as long as i have those memories we will never be apart,

Even though we cannot speak no more my voice is always there,

Because every night before i sleep i have you in my prayer.

The calling of Green Tara

The Symbolism of Green Tara
Green Tara is seated upon a lotus arising from
the waters of a lake, just as Tara is said to have arisen from the compassionate
tears of Avalokiteshvara.

Her right hand is in the mudra of supreme generosity
indicating her ability to provide beings with whatever they desire.

Her left hand at her heart is in the mudra of bestowing refuge: her thumb and ring finger are pressed together to symbolise the united practice of method and wisdom, and the three remaining fingers are raised to symbolise the Three Jewels of Refuge -
Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.

In each hand she holds the stem of a blue utpala flower. Each flower consists of three blossoms indicating that Tara, the embodiment of enlightened activities, is the Mother of the Buddhas of the past, present and future. Tara is dressed in the silken robes of royalty. She wears rainbow colored stockings, a white half-blouse and various jeweled ornaments. These symbolise her mastery of the perfections of generosity, morality and so forth. The tiara fastened in her black hair is adorned with jewels, the central one is a red ruby symbolic of Amitabha, her spiritual father and the head of her Buddha family. She is seated in a distinctive posture, her left leg withdrawn to symbolise her renunciation of worldly passion and her right leg extended to show that she is always ready to arise and come to the aid of those who need her help. With a warm compassionate gaze she looks down upon each sentient being as a mother regards her only child. Her emerald-green color -- related to the wind element and hence to movement -- signifies her ability to act swiftly and without delay to bring benefits to sentient beings.
From the teachings of Ven Lama Thubten Yeshe:

Tara is known as the "Mother of all Buddhas." This is because she is the wisdom of reality, and all Buddhas and bodhisattvas are born from this wisdom. This wisdom is also the fundamental cause of happiness, and our own spiritual growth comes from this wisdom. That is why Tara is called the Mother. And Mother Tara has much wisdom to manifest many aspects, sometimes peaceful, sometimes wrathful, in different colours -- all to help sentient beings.
OM represents Tara's holy body, speech and mind.
TARE means liberating from true suffering, the sufferings of samsara, our aggregates being under the control of delusion and karma.
TUTTARE means liberating from the 8 fears, the external dangers, but mainly from the internal dangers, the delusions, and also karma.
TURE means liberating from the ignorance of the absolute nature of the I; it shows the true cessation of suffering.
SOHA means "may the meaning of the mantra take root in my mind."
Recite as many mantras as you wish. At the end, pray to Tara to help you develop bodhicitta -- your practice of ethics, and your development of bodhicitta are what please Tara the most. This is the best offering you can make to Tara, and will bring you closer to her. Then, Tara dissolves into light, which dissolves through your forehead (or crown) and into your heart. Feel "My body, speech and mind are now blessed to become Tara's body, speech and mind." Then dedicate the merit that you will become Enlightened -- like Tara -- in order to be able to help all sentient beings.

Have you ever had your prayers answered in your lifetime?
I had mine today.....

It is the most strangest incident. Two days ago I started chanting on a new Mantra which is the Green Tara Mantra "OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA" and after meditating with the mantra for a mere few minutes, bright lights appear and I felt a the holy presence of the mantra. Believe it or not, tears were flowing freely down my cheek. I was not weeping neither were there any sad dramas in my mind that causes the tears. It was just a fulfilling feel that causes tears to form naturally in my eyes. My mom were there to witnessed the scene.

For days I was trying to understand what had happened but there were no answers. I even tried to search for some answers on the Internet. Maybe I wasn't sure what I was searching for.

More strange indicidents happened after which leads to me to a lunch with the honorable Tibetan Ven Ashak Thutob Tulku Rinpoche and finally I found some answers. It was only fate that brought me to meet -up with the Holy Rinpoche as he was supposed to be in Singapore but forced to stayed back for some unforeseen circumstances.

He told me it was my affinity with Tara that had brought me to him and it was also my affinity with Tara that causes the tears. As Tara is from the tears of Buddha; tears of compassion; and it very rare that people have that kind of compassion. He even did a transfer of the mantra to me and my family and advices me to continue in search of enlightement with the Tara Mantra. Soon, he mentioned, I will certainly find some answers within. I am still not sure what he meant but I will certainly proceed with what he adviced me to do.

Random thoughts

The place where only meditation will be able to give you a glimpse of how
it feels like to be there.........

Days are creeping by so slowly when there is nothing much to do but just laze around and practically do nothing at all. That is what I have been doing for the past 4 days and I have six more days to do nothing but enjoy the luxury of what most rich tai-tais does everyday.......

Seriously, for an active person who is always on the go and who's schedule is always so packed with activities, I'm suffering from having nothing to do! How sad is that?? Haha! Well, I'm going to be positive for once as I've gotten a comment that my blog always seems to be so depressing!

Alright, change of blogging tactics for once!

..............I'm excited for the next six days of having nothing to do! At least I will be able to catch up with my readings, which I've been neglecting for so many months. There are so many books that I have bought in the past few months that I haven't had the time to go through. This is also the time for me to refresh my mind as I haven't been able to think clearly since the shocking news on the 4th of October. A day which I will remember for the rest of my life. Although it still seem a little unreal, but the truth of his death has been accepted. Sometimes it's seems unreal, especially when I look at his photos, seeing his stuffs around the house, thinking of what he told me when he was still alive.....

There are of course good and bad memories, but I rather his good memories remain and the bad will be buried together with his physical body and remain unknown forever. In a way, we will definitely missed his presence at home but at a more positive perspective, he is now not suffering from sickness & pain. Although there is no way to find out where is he now and how is he doing now, but I can only hope he is happy wherever he is now.

I do count my lucky stars and blessings to have many good friends who were there for me and still are here for me. Of course, there is nothing anyone can do about the situation. Death is something anyone will go through somewhere in their life journey and if we live our life meaningfully and with no regrets, death is just part of the journey. The journey that will bring us to another life where there will be no sufferings and unhappiness. A place where life goes on in a way that no human will be able to imagine. A place where we will only be able to reach if we do more good deeds in our existing life, to give more love & help to the unfortunate and to help more people understand the concept of living life after death in a place where there is no sufferings, no sickness, no pain, no unhappiness, no more reborn, no more karmic effects......

It is not something that people will immediately understand. It took me quite awhile to grab the concept and understand it. But accepting and believing it actually does calmed me and made me feel so much at peace.

Oh well, I will continue with my readings now and hopefully will finish reading the books a good friend loan me to kill my extra time while he negotiate with some ducks in peking^_^

Life will never be the same again

Life was not the same ever since dad passed away and I believe it will never be the same. I am still reluctant to believe that he's gone and we will never see him again in this life. His passing is just too sudden and unexpected.

I did a lot of soul searching for the past one week and there are so much in life that we want; material stuffs. I stress yet again; all these material stuffs are so unimportant when we leave this world and bring not the material stuffs with us but our soul & memories. We also leave memories behind that loved ones will cherish and treasure. Going through my dad's stuffs, it's his memories that brought tears to my eyes. The longing to hear his voice & listen to his words of wisdom, to see his smile & hear his laughter, to feel his care & love for his family. All these memories are fondly engraved in my heart forever.

I remember when he used to smoke his cigars in the kitchen, I would run away because I hated the smell of his cigars. Yet, I long to have a sniff of that scent now. He used to tell me & my bro that we must appreciate what we have in life and not regret only when we lose them. It somehow hurts me to think I might not have showed much appreciation when he was around. I've not been the perfect daughter to him and took great care of him when he was around. All these doesn't matter now as he is not around anymore.

Life is so fragile. Nothing can be done to turn back time. Nothing can be done when a person is dead. Nothing can be done to bring that person back from death. Then why must we live life everyday in anger....frustration....hurt....sadness.....jealousy..... stressed!! Aren't we supposed to live life everyday as if it's our last day on earth and do things that we know will bring goodness to the people around us and that we enjoy doing instead?? To appreciate each breath we intake and the sunrise.... to laugh and spread love to everyone.... to see good in everyone and help those in need & the unfortunate..... to surround ourselves with happiness and joy every single day.....

Or only regret not doing the above when we leave this world suddenly and no way to come back and live the life that we intend to?

I'm sure there must be life after death. Different beliefs have different theories of life after death. Nobody knows except for those who already went there and living the life of the after-death. Being a strong believer of the teachings of Buddha myself, I believe my dad is now with the buddhas in the Pure Land, practicing the teachings of buddhas and waiting for us to join him in the Pure Land of Buddhas. I do hope that I will meet dad again in the Pure Land someday.

Dad, I love you and I will always remember all that you've taught me. You've been the inspiration to me and a great mentor for my development as a Trainer. If it was not for your guidance and inspiration, I would not have taken the brave steps into becoming who I am today. This will be the greatest gift from you that I will cherish forever. May your soul rest in peace and I will pray for your well-being in your life after death. I'm sure you will always be protecting and looking after us from wherever you are now. I will certainly miss you forever. Please tell yeh-yeh & ma-ma that I misses them as well. I will take over your responsibility to take care of mom and brother. I love you, dad. Very much indeed. Goodbye.

My dad left us....FOREVER!

I'm in total shocked and still reluctant to accept the truth. My daddy has passed away. Suddenly...

Last night he was still awake when I went to the kitchen for a drink. He was at his usual spot watching tv although it was already 6am. The next morning he woke up around 2pm and wanted to go out with my mom to buy lunch but mom as usual didn't want him to follow because he's health is not in good condition. So she went to buy us lunch and I was busy packing in my room for my 1 week work trip to Penang. It was so normal. Everything was so normal.

Had lunch with him at our dining area and was even having a decent conversation with him. I left the house around 6pm to go for a massage and came home at 8pm. But no one was home already. Mom & bro went to my grandma's house and he was not home as well. I was quite surprise to see he was not at home because he hardly go out so late. Normally he would only go out in the afternoon.

I was home until almost 11pm and then went out to meet some friends at Velvet, before I even reached Velvet my bro rang me and told me someone told him dad was dead. I thought it was a prank! I calmly told bro to stay calm and take care of mom. I was so calm. I was saying in my head...no...cannot be...how can it be?... he was still ok in the afternoon....I was only talking to him....Someone must have played a prank on us....

I still hope its all a dream. I can't believe it. It's so impossible to believe what had happened.

I need to stay strong for mom. I've never seen her cried like this before. She blamed herself for his passing, saying if she stayed at home then he would not have gone out and this would not have happened.......

I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I know I NEED TO STAY STRONG for mom. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND NEVER LET HER FEEL ALONE AND START BLAMING THINGS ON HERSELF. Its no one's fault. It's his life path. I just hope he's in a better place now and not suffer anymore.

Freedom?

I need to take a break from whatever I'm doing at the moment. I know I shouldn't "quack" or complain but I've tried my very best to stay positive... but all these power to stay positive is really using up all my energy...or what is left of my energy

I'm starting to doubt my ability to cope with stress. I don't think I've ever been good at it. I've just tried my best to stay strong because of my passion in what I'm doing, however, passion is another thing....being able to survive until end of the month is another. People always telling me that I should balance work life with my personal life,but frankly, I don't think I have a personal life anymore since I started working here. I've had to pushed away invitations to parties and outings, reason being too busy or too tired after being busy at work. Life is truly getting meaningless to me. Everyday after work, I'll be too exhausted to even speak or hang out with my family. I know I've got the power to choose what I want in life, but when there are commitments & responsibilities, it'll never be easy.

Sigh. Everyone who knows me before, commented on how horrible I look now. My once crystal clear & radiant skin has now turned to dull, tired & breaking-out skin. My once energetic & happy-go-lucky character has now become tired-quacking-zombie Life shouldn't be like this. What can I do to change it? How?

I know the Law of Attraction works. But, it's not working anymore for me. I don't even have the time to look at myself in the mirror, I cannot even afford to be sick!! There is just no room for it. Life shouldn't be like this. Life shouldn't be so sad. Where is the simple life that I always wanted? I wonder if I can just give up everything I have here and go away to live the life of my dreams?........Wishing is never good enough.....What if I don't live to see tomorrow? Will I regret that I've never made the decision to live a happy and fulfilling life? Regret that I did not do the things that I've always wanted to do? Regret saying things I should have said to that someone?

To enjoy the freedom of life.....the freedom to love....the freedom to care for the people I love.....the freedom of choice?

Is unfulfilled Promise a White Lie?

Is an unfulfilled promise a white lie?
After reading a message from a friend about when a guy doesn’t fulfill a promise made to his girlfriend, the outcome of it is being punished.

Promise

What does the word mean?

Promise
It’s a verbal commitment by one person to another agreeing to do (or not to do) something in the future.

I remember when I was with my ex, he made a lot of promises. But most of the time, his promises will soon be forgotten or he thinks it’s not important. I say; if it’s not important that it will be forgotten, then in the first place, why make that promise? So has that promise turned into a white lie, or worst still, it was intended to be a white lie from the start?

Now, let’s see what the dictionary defines lying;

Lying
It is to state something one knows is false with the intention that it be taken for the truth by someone else.

White Lie
Causes no discord if it were uncovered and offers some benefit to the liar or the hearer, or both.

I believe in a relationship, white lies are unavoidable. I also believe that most guys will opt to lie or provide empty promises believing that it will not cause any further arguments or unwanted debate with their girlfriend. Lying is truly unavoidable. Lying will be beneficial either to the person who lies or the person who receives it, but usually it is the person who lies that benefits. Beneficial until the balloon burst and the feeling of being betrayed and disappoinment aroused. And the trust somehow gone.

What I do believe is that, trust is truly essential to make a relationship work. If trust is destroyed by numerous innocent white lies or unfulfilled promises, it will be very difficult to build that trust again. Then, how can a relationship work with the presence of doubt? How can a person be truly happy when he/she has to wonder all the time if the other half is telling the truth or making empty promises again?

I know how it feels because I’ve been doing that for many years. Until I cannot stand the emotional torture that I had to tell myself over and over again that it doesn’t matter and start making excuses for him. I’m sure I’m not the only one. A lot of my friends will tell me that there are people or relationships that have gone through worst. I know. I’ve seen. I’ve heard. And I’ve accepted the fact that it is part of the relationship package.

Why all these craps about promises and white lies here?

Well, a few hours ago, I've just had another experience in unfulfilled promises once again by that same person. I guess people never change. I'm not emotional on this issue, but I still cannot get it, why promise when one don't intend to deliver? Sigh.

Sometimes, a simple 'NO' is good enough. No obligations.

Venture Out

Can you find it within yourself to appreciate and even enjoy what you do not like? By so doing, you will experience a sense of acceptance, peace and power. Can you learn to be understanding and patient when you have been angered, frustrated, or inconvenienced? Do so, and you'll discover a highly effective way to move forward no matter what. Are you able to respect and explore an opinion or perspective with which you disagree? That can add real strength and conviction to your own perspective.

Life's richness does not come from just staying with what is familiar, comfortable and pleasurable. It is when you venture out, away from the familiar, that you grow stronger and more capable. Hold tightly to your core values while at the same time opening your mind and your heart to new thoughts, feelings and experiences. Your own perspective will grow stronger when you look at if from other perspectives. Find wats to provide a healthy challenge for your understanding of life. And you'll learn to understand, to discover and to experience so very much more.
-Ralph Marston

The mysteries of LOVE; The power of HOPE

LOVE is the only thing, that make us different of all evil, and of that inert nature, which does not think and does not feel.

It is very certain that love, sometimes, changes from red flower and becomes the blood of an open wound.It is also true, that sometimes, it blinds and dazzles us, as when looking at the sun, but love, however much cruel, it may seem to you, it always teaches you to give everything.And if there is something that can be rescued from the suffering, is that love, made you fly and know the heaven of gods.
Why are mortals to blame for loving with the feeling that make us to lose reason?
But love does not die, love lives in you, suffers in you, cries for you, but remember this, love will revive and the day will come where you will find that love never, never, deceived you.Rather, were some persons that didn't know, didn't appreciate the true meaning and the reason of the verb to Love.

Does that mean there is still hope to love....?

HOPE?

....the power of hope.....

In the enchanted forest the trees withered and the lakes and rivers dried. The birds stop singing and flew away from the sky. The flowers withered also, the sun got darker and not even the moon showed her pale shine. The wind froze. Everything seems...dead...The days passed and the earth was dry because the enchanted forest became full of demons and their howls and shrieks were heard.

That enchanted forest was sad and desolated. Everything is destroyed. The beauty of the once enchanted forest gone.More time passed but one day a very small light appeared in that enchanted forest, that light would grow more and more every day. The light became large and full of colors and the fields became full of flowers.

The terrified demons went away.
The lakes and rivers were full again with abundant fish. The sky became full of colors, the moon was shining. The valleys became green with plenty of delicious fruits. The forest became splendorous.How could that small light changed everything?
It transformed everything. It all came back to life.

They could not deadly wound Love.
Because the light of Hope will live forever in that enchanted forest.

**Will the light of hope, someday, shine in me too?**

Time waits for no one...

Another day has just flew by without me even realizing it........again........... Time is truly precious because time is so limited. Day after day, month after month.. To think that I have to tackle so many tasks with so little time, is just so scary. Sigh~

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift

Advice from Master Oogway; Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, & today is a gift.

Kungfu Panda is not only entertaining and funny but added a touch of humane advices as well that reminds me again of what I always tend to forget. When Master Oogway appointed the cubby, clumsy but adorable Panda as the Dragon Warrior, Master Shifu struggles to accept Oogway’s insistence that there are no accidents in the universe and that we are not truly in control of our circumstances. Well, everything happens for a reason. That reason alone will bear the fruit from the seed we have planted.

There’s also another lesson learnt from the movie, “There is no secret ingredient that makes a great warrior, the power comes from the simple faith in you. If you believe you are a great warrior, then you are a great warrior”. That simple word alone “Believe” will make everything happen. When you believe you can, then you will gain that confident in you that give you all the power and encouragement to go all for it. Such simple theory and yet everyday so many people is struggling in life because they don’t have that believe in their heart.

I have always been a quiet little girl who is so afraid to talk to people and always keep myself a distance from others. Since young I was taught to obey rules and never do otherwise. That’s a sad story that I don’t want to repeat again. Anyhow, since joining pageants and winning titles, my life has changed. I have learnt to love myself more and accept myself for who I am. I have also gained that so needed “Believe in myself” theory from all the workshops and seminars that I have attended in the past. It was a struggle at first, but looking back, seeing myself change from that little cowardly girl to who I am now is truly a miracle. I have learnt so much, changed so much, experienced so much; and all that have made me who I am today. Although I am no one great, nor am I someone special but I have to say that I am so proud of what I have achieved so far.

So why am I not happy everyday? Seeing how my parents are getting older and weaker in health is disturbing, the stress and high expectations at work is exhausting, having gone through a failed relationship (my first one too) is so disappointing and heartbreaking, and liking someone but don’t dare to admit because afraid of another failure is even more exhausting! Well, life is always a challenge. A test maybe? To test whether I’ve learnt my lesson and do better next time, or to test if I have the wisdom to deal with a difficult situation? Maybe, it’s just the way of life to make the journey more colourful and interesting and not regretting it at the end of the journey.

I was at the hospital the whole day today because my dad was admitted to the hospital because of his heart problem. Looking at all the patients suffering with tubes and needles and trying their very best to stay alive is really depressing. The only thing the doctor is able to tell us are “We‘ll try another type of medication to control his situation” and “We don’t know yet, but we will monitor him”……

Health is truly priceless. Health & happiness goes hand-in-hand and both have something in common. No money in the world is able to buy them. But sadly, it is also something people don’t appreciate until they have lost them. I only hope that at the end of my journey, I won’t spend it in the hospital struggling to stay alive. I want to spend the last days of my journey with families & friends and of course with lots of laughter and pure happiness. This is also something that we cannot purchase off the shelves

For a Better Life!

As life is getting cloudy, words of inspirations and advices or tips on how to get our butt moving is more welcoming than ever!

Lately I have been compiling a lot of motivational articles as well as books to use for my own training purposes and I find the following very useful. I have shared this with one friend and he seems very inspired. But one thing he shared with me after reading it through, “If we can do all these, we will turn into an honorable saint.”

How true can that be? Why not we do ALL the following and find out ourselves.

FOR A BETTER LIFE

1. Take a 10 to 30 minutes walk each day with a happy smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day to spend time with yourself

3. Sleep early. I know it’s football season, but there’s always replay in AstroJ

4. Look into the mirror with a smile each morning and complete this statement “My purpose today is to…………”

5. Each night before you close your eyes to sleep, complete this statement “I am thankful for……. Today I have accomplished…….”

6. Live with the 3 E’s – Energy-Enthusiasm-Empathy -

7. Play more – read more.

8. Practice Yoga, meditation & Tai Chi to re-fuel our inner energy.

9. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

10. Dream more while you are awake.

11. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants.

12. Drink plenty of water and green tea.

13. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge-card.

14. Try to make at least 3 person smile each day.

15. Smile and laugh more each day!

16. Clear clutters away from your work desk and home to allow positive energy flowing into your life.

17. Don’t waste any precious time and energy on gossips, back-stabbing, issues & negative thoughts of the past. You can never change the past but you can certainly have some control of your future.

18. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are like the maths quiz that you are unable to solve, but once you learn how to do it, the knowledge will last a lifetime.

19. Accept that life isn’t always fair. But life can be good if you allow it to be.

20. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

21. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does!

22. You don’t need to win every argument. Agree to disagree and life will be better.

23. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

24. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea how their journey in life has been.

25. No one else is in-charge of your own happiness except yourself.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words – “In 5 years, will this matter?”

27. Forgive and forget.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business!

29. Change is the most common phenomenal in the world. So no matter how bad a situation is, it will change in time.

30. Your job won’t take care of you when you’re sick, your family and friends will. So make the effort to keep in touch.

31. Get rid of EVERYTHING that is not beautiful, joyful and useful.

32. Envy & jealousy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

34. Enjoy the ride through your journey in life. Remember you are not on a roller-coaster ride and you don’t need a fast past. You only get to life once, appreciate and enjoy a beautiful journey.

35. Do the right thing!

It's going to take awhile for me to be able to incorporate the above list into my life and may take a bit more time to complete all the above, but if it takes only 35 tasks for me to turn into an "angel" then it's going to worth all the effort I will most probably start with doing things I enjoy and be happy. After all, Life is too short to be wasted on doing things I don't enjoy. See?? I'm already starting task #25......... and #10! Haha!!

Hoping for better days

I’m back at my own space again pondering what is going on in my mind lately. The recent price hike is really disturbing. Firstly, food prices have gone incredibly high and now petrol prices have increased a whopping 41 percent! Terrible! Madness really.

Now, everyone is just waiting for another hike in prices and this time not only on food but our daily lifestyle will be disturbed as well.

Expenses will be higher and people will have to find a way to increase their monthly income to survive through this bad economy crisis. But how? Salaries are not increased. Sales person will have to sell more, but if people are saving money for essential stuffs and our country is getting fewer tourists because of the political situation, who are they going to sell to? How can we double our sales figure if there are no potential buyers/customers?

Life is truly getting more and more difficult as we have to work harder and harder to satisfy our daily material needs. People are getting more and more stressful. Life is getting meaningless.

At times like this, I wish I could be somewhere else. Somewhere people don’t have to work so hard to achieve targets. Somewhere people don’t need to live up to today’s ridiculous materialistic standards. Somewhere people are simpler, happier with just life itself and surrounded by families and love. Somewhere….

Even being in China would have been a better place to be than here. At least there I know I’m doing something right by helping the earthquake victims resume their lives. Helping the children overcome the fears and nightmares of losing their families and homes.

I truly feel there’s no more meaning in my life. Everyday I wake up at 6am in the morning to go for my morning exercise, so I can work longer hours and not get tired easily. Yes, I worked till 8-9pm at stressful and days where I have to do lots of planning and preparations. By the time I reached home, it will be time for me to go to bed as I would be too exhausted to even have a friendly chat with my family. Then the next morning it’s the same thing all over again. My friends are complaining I’m neglecting them and I truly feel bad for being too busy for them. I find that an even worst excuse than the petrol increasing because of…. You know what I mean…

Some would tell me that it’s my choice to work so hard and I shouldn’t be so ‘drama’ about it. Let me remind you again that no one will choose to work like a cow, if I were given a choice, I would prefer to be married by now and have my own children to care and love. To wake up each morning to the sound of my husband’s irritating snore is much better than waking up before sunrise to yoga. To be able to look forward to spending the weekend taking my children to the zoo sounds much more tempting than spending my weekends working on my laptop.

Well, if it’s not meant to be then it will never be and that I know I should accept the fact that I’m not married and will never be. I don’t know why I keep having this feeling that I will never find someone to love again. Is it because of my previous failure? Just one miserable failure and I can never bring myself to open up to guys anymore. My friends have to find ways to get me out of office to introduce guys to me! That is so embarrassing! Am I getting too old to find someone myself? Well, maybe… Anyway, I don’t want to think of relationship at the moment, I believe if it happens it will happen naturally. I just hope that I will find my directions in life once again. Being a workaholic with no directions and goals is just so dreadful and meaningless.

The Miracle of today is being able to wake up to the sunrise and hoping for a better tomorrow**

Charity Musical Fiesta!

My lil' ultraman

I am so relieved and happy now!! 

Definitely am in extremely good mood now that although I'm truly tired but I can't sleep! 

The charity event that I've been planning,  and for the first time too... was a total success! 

Of course I will not to take all the credit because if it wasn't for those lovely people who've helped me, it would never have happened! Thank you thank you~ Those who have sincerely and kindly helped me search high and low for the musical band...thank u thank u~~ Especially to Reva! Thanks for helping with the funds collection! We have managed to collect more than enough funds to pay for their lunch as well as to help with their funds collection to extend their home. The capacity of the place is getting crowded as they are taking in more children.

The event went very well with friends arriving as early as 9am and already warming up the children before the event starts. Although there were a few hiccups before the day but I am just so happy that everything is so cool today! All the headaches and troubles are so worth it when you see how happy and cheerful the home was today.

The band that came was my ex-colleague's bf Adam and gang! They totally rocked the whole place The kids were dancing and playing and singing together with them after warming up with a few songs selected by them. It was awesome!

After playing & singing & dancing, it was time for lunch and the caterer served their delicious food. They had rice with fried chicken & fish plus curry & stir-fried vegetables. A very sumptuous feast indeed!

This experience has truly been an encouraging experience for me to plan more charities & fund raising events in the future. Next round I was hoping to do something for poorer homes in the 'kampung' areas, most probably in Klang or somewhere. Not that I will abandon this home, afterall my lil' ultraman will miss me if I don't visit him and sing him "twinkle twinkle little star". He's so adorable *smile*

Many thank to everyone who has given their contributions; in many different ways!

To Reva who have helped me with the organizing part. You are such a sweetheart.

To the great band who have given us lovely music and made everyone sing & dance.

The two kind photographers who volunteered to give us beautiful photos of the event.
The caterer who gave us delicious food... but of course we paid them :P

Those kind souls who donated food, items, and cash.

Friends and families who came and graced the event with their joy and laughter!

I would say, without every single one of you... this event will not be this successful! 

THANK YOU!

Miracle

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle. Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same. . . .
What strange miracles are these! Everywhere . . .
by Walt Whitman

Every moment you remain alive is a miracle. Talk to medical people; they will tell you there are a million and one things that can go wrong with this body of ours at any given instant. It is only because we haven’t developed the capacity for appreciating miracles that we don’t see them all around us. Life is a continuous miracle: not only joy but sorrow too; not only birth but death too.

But the most precious miracle of all is to see the divinity in every creature and realize that the divinity we see in our hearts is the same divinity that shines in all.

Sad Truth of LOVE

These are the sad facts of LOVE;


1. Falling in love with your bestfriend..

2. Falling in love with someone in love with your bestfriend..

3. Loving someone too much it hurts..

4. Choosing to let go of someone you love so much because it's the only right thing to do..

5. It takes time to have the one you LOVE, but just a second to lose it forever, LOVE is bliss until it's gone..

6. Belonging to someone else when the right one comes along..

7. Falling in love with someone who belongs to someone else..

8. Choosing between friendship and a relationship..

9. Pretending to be NOT IN LOVE with someone when you're actually dying to tell him/her that you are..

10. Admitting to be in love with a friend despite his/her imperfections..

11. Realizing that the more you to try to forget, the more you try to fight the feeling, you just find yourself falling in love more..

12. Letting go of someone, and then realizing you will never find another one like him/her until he/she's gone..

13. After so many years of being together, you find out one day you,re not in love anymore..

14. Trying to hide your feelings from someone only to find out later that he/she loves you back and then you realize your chance has already passed..

15. The HARDEST thing about falling in love is believing it exists after love has failed you time and time again..







**Most of the above somehow happened all the time to everyone... but sadly after all the above experiences, we're all still so confused about LOVE.**

The confusion of love is universal and almost always we follow our heart rather than our rational head. Those 'lucky' ones might make it to eternal happiness, with lots of compromising and trust of course. But there are also those who do not make it and get their hearts broken over and over again. Still, we go back the same path if given the opportunity. Everytime.

Why?
What is the meaning of love? If love is not eternal? If love is just an illussion? Something that people do just because it's a common practice. Just because it's shown on TV, sang in music lyrics, most highlighted in magazines & gossip columns, on billboards, in self-help books......in conclusion, EVERYWHERE!


It all seem meaningless to me. Yes, I have found love. I have been in love. To one person. The one and only. But, I have also experience hurt, disappointment, downhearted, betrayal, resentment & anger. Of course, the good times brings happiness, joy, comfort & wonderful memories. That is the package that comes with "LOVE". Accept "LOVE" and embrace all that comes with it. I did and thought I would for the rest of my life with my one and only love.


My good friend once told me, "Love is FOREVER. Only partners change"
Once upon a time, my perception of love is being with that one person & only loving THAT one person forever, for the good times and the bad as well. I have never believed in having several relationships and only decide in the end who is the best to love. LOVE IS FOREVER, with that one and only partner.

So what changed now, I asked myself several times.

What changed is my confidence in "LOVE"....

The word 'Love' is such an artificial word. People uses it so freely til it loses its true value. I truly hope that one day I will find that confident that were once so strong in me.

Although, I have lost all faith in the word, deep in my heart I'm a sucker for fairy tale ending.


I still want to live happily ever after with my Prince Charming, whoever he is.

I still want to experience the sweet loving moments with my Prince Charming.

I still want to be loved. Truly Madly Deeply.

Sigh. This is what I meant by the confusion of love!

'The longing of being pampered and loved by that 'special' someone'